So we left San Francisco at the end of June and got a train called 'The California Zephyr", all the way to Colorado via Nevada and Utah. It was amazing scenery (photos on vajralilas facebook). The is a viewing carriage so spent 2 days there riveted to the desert and the rockys and the white water. We met some lovely people on the train, 2 sisters and their mum. One of them invited us to come and stay at her ranch in North California for as long as we liked and she would feed us too. This kind of generosity is not unusual.
We got to Grand junction and struggled in crazy heat to carry more luggage than we could really cope with, (we had had to get a tent, sleeping bags etc just for the retreat at taramandala) and got lost so walked double the distance we needed to. But we got our greyhound bus to Durango and this was our first experience of 'couch surfing', it's a website you just ask a stranger if you can stay. so this lovely young woman had us stay on her couch the night. She wasnt in when we first arrived which was worrying, but she turned up and showed us the lovely town. She left us there with her house mate the night and she went to sleep at her boyfriends and the next day she came back, cooked us breakfast and then went to work, leaving us to see ourselves out. How is that for validating faith in human nature! A similar experience happened after the retreat when we had our second couch surf experience. This time we had a proper bed and the lady took us out for dinner and said she'd like us to come back and do a day retreat that she would organise. Its good practise all this in that we travel and feel at the end of our tether and then stay with people and we can't just withdraw and go to a room somewhere, we have to go beyond our self and be friendly and sociable. And actually when theres no option, its ok. Now is always ok, it's just the projected future that isn't.
The retreat in the middle of this was amazing. The place itself, Taramandala is magic. Lama Tsultrim has had this incredible vision to build a temple and has! Its a massive Tibetan temple in the middle of mountains in a valley. Lama Tsultrim generously taught 5 or so hours a day. We learn a lot more about Chod and improved our drumming. The whole time was blessed and it really does feel like a positive force is guiding us. At the end of the retreat this woman came up and handed us an envelope with $100 in it saying she could recognise our going forth and wanted to support it, that was meaningful to be witnessed in that way. Lama Tsultrim encouraged us to return in august for a special retreat but it looks financially impossible we think.
One day Vajralila saw a bear not far from where we were camping and that night a heard of horses trotted around our tent and we thought it was bears and freaked ourselves out. When they went we took our sleeping bags and slept in the Temple!
So next was a 3 day, 2 night train to New york, which although the scenery was fab, the sleeping in the chairs and the airconditioning for this long was exhausting. Sita had us stay with her in New York, she was lovely and her and Sudakini got to do contact dance together. We did a day on the System of meditation for the New York sangha which went well and was a privilege.
Hey ho! of we go now from a few days in Rhode Island to a Lama surya Das retreat in Garrison.

kiss the joy as it flies

So... we have been nearly six weeks in San Francisco. We arrive at the airport to be met by Karunadevi who takes us back to her house for food and sleep then drops us the next day at our accommodation for the next 3 weeks in the annex of the SF Buddhist center. Dazed and disorientated with jet lag, like neither of us have ever had so bad before, we settle in to our comfy room and wonder where the sunshine and Sangha are... After two cold, lonely days the friendly people start popping up everywhere. Warmth and generosity have characterized our contact with the SF Sangha. In fact so much generosity that we have found that receiving is a more challenging practice than we would have thought. As Viveka put it "don't block the flow of giving by not being able to receive" (I paraphrase - she was a little less blunt than that). We have found that some of our views around finding it difficult to receive generosity from others include feelings of indebtedness and powerlessness. It's a good practice to not let this get in the way. I think we have managed quite well!! Money has been a theme in general - learning to be frugal without being stingy. Trying not to let poverty mentality get a hold. Actually we are so rich in so many ways. Just not with pounds and dollars. Sudakini veers towards extravagance and being too laid back with the bucks and Vajralila veers towards super frugality - between us we just about manage to strike a balance, but not with out some "process".
At times we have felt ourselves to be hungry ghosts surrounded by gods... For sure not the truth of how things are, but in such a beautiful city, where tasty food opportunities on every corner and an invite to eat out at every turn meet our limited budget, it has been somewhat painful.
When we made our decision to leave Norwich and "go forth" it had an air of romance and glamor. The vision was BIG. And now at times we feel so small. It is so much more gritty and so much less glamorous on the path of transformation. Old habits (samskaras) are writ large under these conditions. Without the familiar such as jobs, routines, roles, positions, home, an ongoing sense of community and physical contact with friends, the deep needs for security and belongingness are challenged, and feelings of meaninglessness and lack of confidence are looming.
We are lucky that Sangha works. We have made meaningful connections with so many people in such a short space of time. A mini temporary chapter weekly with Viriyalila, the opportunity to join the SF order chapter for a couple of weeks, treated to 3 days in a hotel by the ocean with Karunadakini and Joanneke, then on retreat with 30 others from the SFBC at lovely Jikoji in the Santa Cruz hills, and almost daily contact with one or another of the community members in the annex (Elaine and Shantinayaka the caretakers) or from the women's community above (Lisa, Padmatara and Viriyalila while Suvannaprabha is away). Add to the mix the wonderful participants on the day events we offered at the center here and other individuals in the Sangha who have moved towards us and held out the hand of friendship and generosity... Our practice is definitely becoming more seamless. So many negative views being stirred up and challenged each day, how could this not be the path of transformation?
We are blessed this last week in the Bay area with staying in the house of Karunadevi and Acarasiddhi while they are away. We are playing and delighting in having a home to ourselves for a week. Moments of settling in are punctuated with the poignant reminder that we are moving on soon and can't get too comfy. Learning to kiss the joy as it flies.

Whatever way it goes may it go that way

This ones just vajralila as we have been doing different things!

Well my mum came out of intensive care and I had run out of couches to sleep on in Colchester and Ipswich, although Amalaketu and Debbie were very welcoming and said I could have stayed longer. I was in a strange state during that time, when you think someone close might die the whole world becomes more precious and beautiful somehow.

I eventually arrived for my month at Taraloka at the beginning of May. It was a very special time. A few days in I was on 2, week long retretreats back to back, Cooking on both for 35 people which I loved. The first retreat was on the Lakshanas and the doorways to liberation led by Vajradarshini. Her presentation of the material helped it sink in more than ever and after a great talk with her one day i realised there is no security anywhere, not even in the transcendental and that the fact that all phenomena change constantly, that this existence (samsara) is unfixable like a wonky wheel on a cart, with all its interconnected co-arising patterns (including me) that can't be seen as independently existing.... means that I can only find true freedom in the moment, that I am better of not wishing things be a certain way (accepting how things are) and letting go into the openness behind the fear of not existing in the way i think I do, then the world become more beautiful and awesome even in its imperfection, losses and brokenness (in fact because of them!).

And so this was exciting and also uncomfortable as i began seeing the eternalistic edge that had crept into my relationship to Buddhas and Bodhisattvas. Perfectly, the next retreat was a Sadhana retreat in which my devotional practise changed into a kind of reverence for the heartness I was 'in' here and now in 'real life', sort of a tangible yet unsentimental love. My Sadhana practise also changed with some permission giving from Parami and Padmasara, to just the seed syllable of 1000 armed Avalokitesvara (HRIH) instead of a very complex form I had been doing it and feels very right. I also offered massage on some of this time and people gave what they wanted so this helped fund our project a bit.

I had been inspired to have an attitude of service and so best i could tryed to come from this place as i continued my time at Taraloka. Found my self doing great jobs like mowing the grass on a sit on mower and sawing wood. It was great meditating with them all in the community shrine room each morning at 7.30am and chanting the refuges and precepts. I connected well with the women who live there and hope to deepen some of these connections as time goes on. Also enjoyed meeting Julie again and was impressed by her love of the Dharma, hope to be part of her journey as it develops.

Was sad to leave but it was then all about family, who are all poorly at present. First went to my Dads in penzance, met Sudakini on route, we hadn't seen each other for a month. My Dad has Lewybodies dimentia and had deteriorated since I last saw him, hallucinating wildly and aggressive at times. He is unlikely to live more than a few years I discovered. Sudakini and I took him out every day and we had a lovely time, we also cooked each evening to give his wife a break. So after 6 days we went to my Mums who is slowly recovering from phenomena and is in a wheel chair and unable to do much yet, my step dad is caring for her. It was lovely that our best buddies Ruth, Joan and Jenny came to clacton for the day to see us. I also met my half Sister (same Dad) and enjoyed spending rare time with her. She is only 31 and had had part of her bladder removed as well as part of her bowel and appendix to reconstuct a damaged bladder. She is cathetirised constantly and her one of her kidneys no longer works due to all this, she has a great sense of humour and is very brave as is her 10 year old son. Then 3 days later we are in Eastbourne with Sudakinis Mum and Rob where it is always relaxing. It has felt important to have'good endings' latley because thigs keep ending quicker than in 'normal life' and almost like how it would be to die well, like I don't want anything unresolved and want to have the most positive effect I can have. We are now firming up our USA plans and fly to Sanfransico the day after tomorrow!

In the Bardos of East Anglia and Shropshire

Vajralila's mum is getting better gradually. Sudakini has been and gone from the womens order weekend at Padmaloka and is now happy to be at Viryajyoti's in Norwich for a few days. Vajralila is finding ways to make herself useful at Taraloka and enjoying getting to know the community there.
Friends and family are being ongoingly generous to us in so many ways... Rather than being homeless it feels more like there is a home for us in so many places. Undeniably there are wobbly moments when a stable base is missed; but the moments pass and overall the taste of freedom and the opportunities this way of life offers are much appreciated. To be able to share in the life of someone else by staying in their house, even if only for a couple of days, is a real privilege.
The next time we see each other will be when we have our 6 month visa interview at the US embassy on april 15th. Our plans for america are progressing - we have decided to travel by train whilst there to see the landscape. Starting in San Francisco, then to Colorado... Next to New York, via Texas (maybe)! Vajralila's personal myth of the cowgirl archetype is calling. Apparently Texas is the size of UK plus several european countries all rolled in to one, so we need to do a bit of research about where exactly we might find some cowgirls... Sounds like Fort Worth might be the place?? Once in New York we hope to spend a bit of time with Sangha on the east coast then all the way back to the Northwest to Seattle and Montana.
So, in England till mid to end of May...

Life is whats happening while we're busy making other plans

The night before our flight from Delhi to London, Vajralilas Dad phoned to say her mum had gone into critical care, emphysema and infection. So we came straight from the plane the next day to Colchester hospital. She seemed stable and we went to Eastbourne to change bags, but a few days later she was more seriously ill, she had pneumonia and psdumonus. So Vajralila went straight back to discover the consultant has said she has a 50/50 chance of recovery! So Vajralila encouraged Sudakini to carry on with her retreat at taraloka and Vajralila is back in Colchester staying with amalaketu and Anona, a 20 minute walk from the hospital. We have paid £200 odd for a non refundable visa interview in a few weeks, for the USA, we have all sorts of train tickets we booked in advance months ago that are useless. We have no income only out goings. Vajralila can't let Taraloka know when and if she will be there to do cooking on 5 retreats. This said just to show that going forth isn't about having it all nicely planned out. Somehow, doing the right thing and taking it one day at a time is working at the moment. It all seems a bit out of time and space and so much is unknown, mainly Vajralilas Mums recovery which overides all else in importance right now.

We have 10 days left in Bodhgaya and want to savor every moment. The busy season is over. Most visitors, some who spend 3-4 months of every year in here, from diverse Buddhist traditions based in the East and West, have headed North to the mountains and cooler climes. Bodhgaya gets steadily hotter and dustier (if that's possible) by the day. And There are still a few Dharmacharis and Dharmacharinis (members of the Western Buddhist Order / Trailokya Bauddha Mahasangha, as its known in India) to be seen around the Bodhi tree. Our international convention finished the day before yesterday and most people have continued on pilgrimage to other sacred sites in India, or headed back to jobs and families back home. But we are still here!
The convention was a remarkable event, especially the early mornings and evenings when nearly five hundred of us in various shades of blue and kesas, gathered for meditation and puja under the Bodhi tree. The Mahabodhi temple is familiar with large numbers of Tibetan, Srilankan and Thai pilgrims but this was the first time WBO and TBM were really visible here. I get a sense our presence had a positive impact. Many Buddhists from other traditions sat with us, even chanted with us, some bowed to show respect and some just gazed or took photos. The faces appeared open and friendly.
Now we are back to a more spacious, and quiet routine of our own making, wanting to make the most of our last days here near the Bodhi tree and Vajrasana. On 13th March we fly back to England. Vajralila will spend 6 weeks at Taraloka and Sudakini some time there and elsewhere. Our plans for our trip to America are slowly progressing.

not empy, not not empy, not neither and not both!

Well, Sudakini is now better! She had tablets to treat Giardia and amoebic dysentery! Apparently the doctor has a habit of overperscribing, a guy in our guest house said if you go with a head ache you will be given a morphine injection!

We are in the swing of cooking for ourselves more. Usually papaya, banana and lemon for breakfast. Tibetan bread and marmalade another favorite. We had pasta today. Really enjoy getting fresh veg in the morning, you have too get it each day as it goes off so quick in the heat. Common veg is green peppers, tomatoes, pees, aubergine, carrots, chilies, beans, spinach. We got a weird spiky thing the other day. The man said to peel it and fry it. It was like a mixture between potatoes, aubergine and parsnip, very nice. Veg is incredibly cheap, like 1p for 6 tomatoes. Chai is gorgeous and Sudakini has mastered the art of making this. Cheese is a luxury here and even then its expensive and processed. Vajralila misses pizza a bit.

A woman staying in our guest house is a chod teacher and gave us a lesson yesterday. We feel like beginners again. We had picked up many bad habits and are having to re learn the technique. Humility is a good thing of course.

Vajralila is immersed in her 'what is emptiness' project and is reading 'pointing out the Dharmakaya' and 'The understanding heart' by Tich nat hahn. Both are excellent. Sudakini already seems to have know for a long time what Vajralila is learning.

Our new chapter has formed and stormed and any time soon we expect it to perform. The FWBO land is in the process of being transformed for the convention in a few weeks. Things are changing fast. Gardens emerging and a massive wooden frame that will be a structure under canvas is looking impressive. Buddhas are being made out of stone and a bamboo bridge appeared this week. At present 24 Indian women are staying there, with their cooks, All 30 in one room. These women got ordained as Bikkunis a few days ago (they needed somewhere safe to stay) which is pretty radical as women are not recognised as able to have full ordination in the Theravada tradition but they persuaded somone to conduct the ordination and managed to find Bikkhus to be there to witness it to make it authentic, although the Bikkhus wouldn't put there name to it (apparently they could loose their passports if they did!) it seems to have been enough to count. We and Aranyaka were there to be supportive and the next day Sudakini and I bought 24 potions of this special indian sweet treat for them to celebrate, we offered it to each woman and then they had us kneel with our eyes closed while they chanted blessings for us. It was very special.

Thank you to those who read and comment, it helps us feel connected xxxxx